Admitting the problem

Hi everyone, I’m Michael and I’m a caffeine addict … *Scratches myself and looks around the group nervously* the first step is admit problem. I’ve become an addict. I can’t get enough of it. I get a temporary and artificial boost and then it’s all downhill from there. I get zombified, I have that thousand yard stare and my brain just gets all foggy. I now believe (falsely) that I can’t live without it. It’s totally fucked my brain.

Caffeine dependency is like using a crutch

If you reduce and eliminate dependence on caffeine, what else is there to depend on?

I can’t help but see the same problem in relationships, if you reduce and eliminate your dependence on people for emotional support, where do you draw the strength to stand in your own two feet?

I think might be able to learn something from David Goggins. He’s written some books. He’s also done some extraordinary things and it sounds like he did all of this out of sheer willpower. I want to know how this is possible.

I don’t want to reach out for help. I want do this myself. I feel like everyone has their flaws and by me explaining my problems to them they will just taint my understanding of the right answer. I am finding that I am resorting to Wysa, a wellness chatbot. It helped me come up with my worry list and although it freaked me out by showing what a true mess I am.

I know what my life should look like. I have a list of goals. I know who I want to be but I’m struggling to get past the point of worrying and just get stuck into the part where I’m just executing.

I recently made a long list of things that worried me and I don’t think I’m any closer to solving these problems.

The worry list is a good tool. It’s something that I invented. It’s probably the closest thing you’re ever going to get to a life dashboard.

“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It’s complicated. I’ve got all these problems. Every weekend I say that I’m going to set aside time to deal with them, but the lazy pathetic side of me always takes over.

I’m realzing that the missing step was to break those seemingly insurmountable problems into manageable pieces.

… And then you execute.

Yes, by writing that title, I am playing the victim card, but please, let me indulge, only if it’s just for a moment.

My dad. I am beginning to wonder if he is literally on the on the far end of the autistic spectrum. He is also a psychopath. He hurts everyone around him without realizing it. He takes things out of context and blames other people. I don’t want him around me anymore. I used feel guilty when I said to myself that we’d all be better off if he was dead. I just want him to stay at least 10ft away from me at all times.

My mum, bless her soul, has a kind heart, but suffocates me with her neediness. Get off me!!! Her limitations. No English. No job. No hope. She is also diagnosed with schizophrenia. Constantly trying to win my love by cooking foods that I don’t even like.

These people are bad. Very bad. They also love me and I struggle to find reasons to love them back. They actually make me hate myself. I can’t believe I let these people have such an effect on me. All they do is make me mad. You gave me life, just to drain it out of me slowly again. You’re like retards that unknowingly hold me back and drag me down, all in the name of love. I am shackled to you by blood and can’t escape.

Sometimes … I hate my parents.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton